I’ve always been excited for this time in my life–I thought it was incredible to know that my body was capable of supporting and growing a new little human. At least, I very much hoped it was. I sometimes thought and even said that if I was not able to have children, I would almost rather never get married and not know. It seemed to me one of the heaviest things a woman could bear. I still think it must be.
So yes, even though I got pregnant quickly, there was still that month and a half when I wondered. I was relieved, in a way, when I knew I wasn’t going to have a baby–but I also dealt with the slight worry in the back of my mind–what if it’s like this, every month?
Well, it wasn’t.
But it was different than I thought it would be. It was exciting, when I found out. It was scary, too. Not so much the labor and delivery that I knew was ahead–just the… finality, I guess.
In one moment, I knew my life was changed forever. It was a little overwhelming.
(I tend to try to process all of time at once; it’s not exactly the most helpful method.)
I learned a lot about Abortion during those first few months. Not because of all the new information about Planned Parenthood, but because I was experiencing pregnancy first hand. I did not consider abortion in the slightest–but I understood the women who do much better.
I understood much more the feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing what will happen as this goes forward. The fear–how will my life change? How will my body change? Will/can I be a good mother? What if something happens to me? What will people think? (I think that is always a concern we have, no matter the situation. Just as a side note. In my case it was wondering what people would think about it happening so fast. Some might wonder what people will think about it happening so slow, or about them not being married, or… you name it.) How will this change my relationship with the father of my baby? (or, help! I don’t have a relationship/a good relationship with the father)
Also, it honestly doesn’t feel like you’re growing a baby. It feels like your body has been hijacked. Suddenly all sorts of weird things are happening and your body is acting totally different. You don’t feel good–you’re tired, you feel nauseous, you cry randomly. Food you liked yesterday suddenly seems completely unappealing. And you can’t do anything about it. It’s a very strange feeling.
As I was going through that first trimester, I was realizing that I have it all–I’m married to a good man, I have a comfortable, safe home, I’m 25, I’m healthy, I’ve been around many pregnancies and attended several live births, I’ve learned a great deal about this stuff, I’ve been taking prenatals for months. I cannot imagine how it must feel when you take all that away and add in trials I do not even understand fully.
I understood the shocking finality–you’re pregnant, and… that’s just how it is. You can’t go back, you can’t undo it. There’s only going forward into the unknown. The unknown of which you know one thing: your life will be forever altered. This small person growing inside of you will continue to affect your life until you die.
Of course, abortion pretends to be able to undo it, and I really can see how some would grasp for that vain hope. But it won’t work. Sure, the baby might be gone–but you won’t be. You’ll always know. You’ll always be a mother to that baby. You can’t be un-mothered; you can only be the mother of a dead baby or a live one.
I also understood the horrible wrong-ness of abortion.
Only a little while after finding out I was pregnant–there was blood. Only a very little, and it was not red, but it was terrifying. And it continued, off and on, for almost a month.
And I realized how very strong the desire was for my baby to live, in spite of all my uncertainties and fears. It’s almost more than a desire; close to a need. And in that realization, I knew how wrong it is for a mother to choose to end her pregnancy. It’s not natural and I don’t think it would happen nearly so often if women were given more time, given more support, and given more love. Also, more education. Moms and dads who may be reading this–make sure your daughters (and sons) have a good understanding of pregnancy. The whole thing, including conception and birth. Not that they need every gory detail, but they should have an understanding of how it works. It’s sad how many young people don’t understand even the basics on conception and pregnancy… no wonder there is so much confusion and chaos.
Now, today, I am 22 weeks and 2 days along, and my little one is happily (I assume…) bumping around inside of me. I am still uncertain about the future, but I am learning to be thankful for the present and take each day at a time.