This is an incredibly unique time in life… anticipating something so hugely life changing, and yet… not knowing when (or, really, how) it will happen. We do our best to make plans, to try to figure it out; but we don’t know. I guess the ironic thing is that all of life is this way, to some degree… we never truly know what tomorrow holds. But it’s so much more intense, so much more in-your-face these last days… hours? Weeks? of pregnancy.
So, we wait. We prepare. (or try) We wonder and worry and smile over the wonder of it.
We don’t really believe it, or at least I don’t.
It’s odd; you’d think having the baby inside, bumping around and causing all sorts of interesting symptoms for months would be enough to convince me that I’m actually having a baby, but… not so much. Oh, I believe I’m pregnant, alright, just having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I am, indeed, going to experience labor, and delivery, and then… I’ll be holding a baby—my very own baby–in my arms.
I think part of this hesitancy in actually believing it (besides the fact that it’s just downright wild) is that it’s been a dream of mine for so long, and to have it nearly come to fruition… well, it scares me, a little.
Because… what if something’s wrong, and my baby leaves me too soon? What if I am not able to nurse my baby? What if it’s not what I imagine (to be clear, I don’t imagine all smiles and snuggles; I’ve been around too many newborns in the same house for that), just really hard and painful and awful? What if… What if…
But then, I must remember all the wonderful what ifs, too. What if baby is just the cutest little one I’ve ever seen? What if I experience love like I never thought I could? What if, after working through the bumps, nursing is one of the best things I’ve done? What if all the hard and awful is totally worth it for the smiles and snuggles that do come?
What if, regardless of how it goes, I learn and grow through this in ways I never dreamed before? What if I get to know God better than ever?
(Not the best picture ever, but this was one night when I remember looking at myself and going, girl, you are having a baby. For real.)